Cheat Sheet: What Not to Say While Raising a Toast at Your Friend’s Wedding!

It’s a heart-rending moment, and your soul is full of wisdom and melancholy. You cannot suppress the urge to tell the bride or groom about your deep and undying love for them. So, you narrate that story (with guiltless eyes) about the time you picked the couple from jail or had to hose the groom down after he poured the Long Island iced tea on himself in Bangkok to impress that damsel in distress. Before people throw those wine glasses at you (umm, we have a penchant for the nastiest), hold your horses. You can be funny, not an a-hole. There’s a thin line between a toast and a roast.

While you manage to flaunt your oratory skills and frazzle your nerves, here are a few things to avoid these toasting faux pas!

DON’T utter anything about the bride’s or groom’s past hookups

Photo By: Dot Dusk

“Back in the early 1990’s, my best friend Shane had a set of 12 girlfriends and was an expert at flirting with women”. This wedding toast will give you a direct ticket to hell, and your bestie is going to throw you away like a fly in the tea cup. Don’t take it a little too far and talk about how your friend’s hookups went awry. Needless to say, it will not go down well with the guests. Stick to the NO EXES policy and skip anything sexual. How we still cringe at the engagement toast Jason Segel gave for Paul Rudd and Rashida Jones in I Love You Man.

DON’T go overboard with mushiness

Photo By: Navdeep Soni

Let the emphasis be on humour and storytelling. Yeah, if you are good with sob stories and know how to lead the overly sentimental bandwagon, go ahead. We have no intention of stopping you. Do you remember feeling good about wedding toasts with all tears and “I love yous?” Somehow, you’ll remember the juicy details about your friend and humor more than the tears.

DON’T have more than one drink beforehand

Photo By: Navdeep Soni

If you need a dose of confidence before the moment, you are allowed a glass of wine or a shot of tequila. Just be in your elements; there’s nothing more oopsy than a slurred speech with topsy-turvy expressions. Stay sober. It would be hilarious to hear you say, “Cheers!” and then sit down too. You don’t want your ending to be anti-climactic, in a semi-conscious state. Don’t compel that disinterested uncle in the corner to ask, “Who is that drunken moron and why is he toasting?”

DON’T torture the guests with long speeches

Photo By: Navdeep Soni

Countless weddings are littered with haunting long speeches. Let’s face it. Every goddamn guy who raises a toast at a wedding thinks it’s charming to get into a monologue. This might sound a little demotivating, but it’s the bitter truth – people want to drink, eat, dance or go outside for a smoke. That’s all they like at a wedding. Be kind and please save everyone’s time by keeping it under three minutes, preferably less.

Photo By: Navdeep Soni

Keep reminding yourself that the room is not full of the bride and groom’s college buddies. It has grandparents, aunts and uncles and maybe coworkers. Don’t feel obligated to start with a joke. It’s ok to forget our advice and use the tried-and-tested sentimental bout of sweetness. It’s better than using a gimmick that can fall flat.

Now, by all means, do share your wedding toast don’t or horror stories in our discussion section. We’re all ears!